This is a continuation of the apparently-not-so-brief and certainly fictitous history of Bret Cornelius Bielema. You can read Part One over here if you've not yet done so. As with the last one, there's some cursing in this one. So don't read if you're sensitive to that stuff.
Bielema shuffled down the hallway ready to receive the torch as the head football coach of Wisconsin. What was the first thing he'd need? A whistle certainly, old Mr. Scrotumsack used to beat Bielema in high school with one when he screwed up, but that wasn't quite what he was looking for. He stepped out into the cool night air and it hit him like a gentle fall breeze. He'll need a windbreaker, certainly every coach worth being someone could be identified by his trademark wear. Bielema selected the windbreaker. Playing UNLV when it's 96 degrees outside, WINDBREAKER!
Playing PSU when it's 35 and raining, WINDBREAKER!
As the fall of 2006 approached and Wisconsin prepared for their first game with Bowling Green, Bielema got the feeling he was in over his head. One August night he sat in his new house, the bulk of his things still unpacked and in moving boxes. He draped his windbreaker over him for comfort because a warm summer Wisconsin evening is still cold by the standards of 90 percent of the world. He contemplated the task at hand and realized he can't do it alone. He quietly said out loud "I need the power of the devil."
Suddenly....
What the hell are you whining about? You're fourteen years old and in charge of a team that doesn't have any real competition in it's own state or any of it's neighboring states except for Iowa. All you have to do to win in the Big Ten is show up on Saturday and not make coaching mistakes. You can't do that?
Well, the problem is that winning in the Big Ten is really hard. Like REALLY hard. I've even had to learn to read and shit. I had to quit drinking PBR because I didn't want my gut to look like that fat bastard Alvarez. Can you imagine a lifetime of drinking Bud Light? That's almost not worth being the head coach for, would you drink Bud Light for all of eternity?
No, I can't imagine that Bret and let me tell you why. Because I'm the damned devil. I don't have to take any shit off of anyone and I invented AfterShock with drops of my own sweat. I tell you what, I can see you're in over your head and I'm going to offer you a deal you simply cannot say no to. How would you like me to guarantee your success at Wisconsin and you can drink all the PBR you want?
You have my attention. Sooey! That sounds hot. What do I have to do?
Well Bret, it's well documented that I am an Ohio State fan. I really love that
Jim Tressel guy I just think he's great. But I certainly can enjoy and be happy for other teams. So I will make you this deal, I will guarantee you success at Wisconsin, but in return, you will never have a more than .500 winning percentage on the road in the Big Ten. You are allowed to finish over .500 for a season, but when you retire or are fired, your Big Ten Road Winning Percentage will be at or below .500. I will deliver players to you who should win Heisman's and you will still stay at .500 or below.
Yeah, yeah fuck all that, what about the PBR?
Hm, for the PBR.... What to do. The Windbreaker. You may never take it off again. EVER. There will come a day where you will be tempted and you will want to remove it. You may not do so. If you do, I shall wrest any national title hopes from your hands, forevermore. In 2011, you will have a running back who would win the Heisman were he in the SEC and a QB who will smash the passing efficiency record. That will be insufficient to win the national title and you will lose to my godforsaken Buckeyes who will go on to finish the season 6-6.
Alright you drive a hard bargain, but I'll do it.
The years passed and the prophecy was as foretold. In 2011 over Memorial Day weekend, Bielema was chillaxin' at the Dells when he got into a drinking contest with some kids from UW-Stout. The penalty for losing this drinking contest was that you had to streak through the Quad.
As Paul Harvey used to say, "Now you know the rest of the story."
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