While in college and briefly after, I worked at a Domino's Pizza as a driver/assistant manager. It amuses me to no end these days that I was VERY marginally under Dave Brandon's employ for about 2 years of my life. At any rate, the local shop was owned by a guy we used to call Teammates. He earned this name because he would constantly say things like "Who's got that phone, team?!?" or "Alright Teammates, let's sell some breadsticks!". He was a huge Notre Dame fan and stuck to his guns about how Notre Dame was a wild horse that would never be tamed into joining the Big Ten. Still, ever the small businessman, he'd never let something like independence stand in the way of making a buck. The following is how I suspect a conversation between me and him about conference realignment would work.
Me: So did you hear that Texas A&M is set to join the SEC?
Teammates: No, but that is excellent work, teammate! With the SEC at 13 teams they will jump to at least 14 teams and maybe even 16!
Me: So how would you feel about a Big Ten with Notre Dame in it?
Teammates: Oh, that would be TERRIBLE and it will never happen, Charlie Weis wouldn't allow it.
Me: *raises eyebrow* I don't think Charlie Weis gets to make that... nevermind. Well see the thing is that if Notre Dame doesn't join now they do run the risk of being frozen out for good this time. They aren't exactly mowing down the top 10 teams of the country and having their fifth string center make the All-American team anymore. If the Big Ten, SEC, Pac-10 and ACC go to 16 teams and the Dame gets frozen out it could get even harder for ND to make a BCS game.
Teammates: Why did Texas A&M leave the Big 12? Wouldn't it have been easier if they had just stayed in the Big 12?
Me: Well, ESPN in a move that isn't even sort of a conflict of interest paid Texas 300 million dollars over 15 years to start the Longwhorn network. But that functionally kills any interest in a Big 12 network(Editors Note: Was there any to begin with?) So A&M decided to head where the money was better and no one takes their footb...
Teammates: WHO'S GOT THAT PHONE TEAM!
Me: No one takes their football more seriously than the SEC is what I was going to say.
Teammates: So A&M went after more money for their family! That's a great thing! Upsell those breadsticks! Nothing but profit!
Me: The last re-alignment was this spring with Nebraska joining the Big 10 and Colorado and Utah to the Pac-10. The Colorado thing made sense since I always thought they were in the Pac 10 anyway, Utah was a reach IMO. Nebraska was a good compromise for the Big 10, it's not going full-bore to 16 teams and added a quality opponent in football and every sport but basketball. Ownership of a basketball is illegal and punishable by death in Nebraska.
Teammates: Do NOT give anyone the Wednesday Special! Give them the F6 Special, that's full price for everything, tell them you're giving them the F6 Special and they will think they're getting a deal!!!!! hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Me: For Big Ten expansion to make sense as a fan, they absolutely have to bring in Notre Dame. ND already plays 3 Big Ten teams this year and typically plays 3-4 Big Ten teams. You guys should get in now, the one undeniably good thing about 4 16 team super conferences is that those teams will play a minimum of 9 conference games, I could even see it getting bumped to 10. No one is going to want to play an independent ND when/if it means losing a valuable tune-up game.
Teammates: But they have a TV contract! That would mean the loss of many millions of dollars. Where's the incentive? Where's the profit?
Me: The Notre Dame TV contract for football is worth about 9 million dollars a year. The TV share for being a Big Ten school is approximately 22 million a year. The obvious exclusion being that if ND makes a BCS game they get to keep all 17 million bucks instead of splitting it amongst the conference members. That's happened 3 times since the BCS started in 98-99. That works out to 51 million over 13 seasons or 3.9 mill a year. If football is averaging bringing in 12.9 Mill a year I don't think that ND basketball and other various sports are bringing in 9 million bucks a year, so we can offer you more money!
Teammates: MOAR MONEY! I LOVE MOAR MONEY! MONEY MAKES MY HEART SING IN A WAY THAT ONLY PROZAC AND BLOW CAN! What else are you asking for?
Me: Well obviously you'd have to join the Big Ten and we're gonna have to invite some other teams, one more at least, probably three so we have two divisions of eight. Missouri is a likely candidate, they tried to get into the Big Ten a few months ago during conference re-alignment, we might ask Oklahoma, but they aren't a part of the American Association of Universities. Nebraska was but couldn't hold it's corn liquor. Rutgers and Pitt are two other schools that fit the bill academically and are decent enough football schools, although Greg Schiano, how do you feel now about deciding to be the lifetime HC of Rutgers after that 11-1 season?
Teammates:That's a lot more schools and a lot more competition! What if people find out Notre Dame isn't an independent superpower anymore?!?!?!? What if Notre Dame says no this time? Also, having a cell phone will allow you to take as many as one more delivery runs per hour!
Me: This is 2011, who doesn't have a cell phone? Also, if ND says no this time and the move is definitely to 16 team super conferences then they are a bunch of ignorant dicks and deserve to get left out in the cold. Finally, if the Big Ten fails to land ND or another Big Fish, I think the Big Ten should really just stay at 12 teams even if it means being the only "Big Boy" with 12 teams. A four team addition of Pitt, Syracuse, Rutgers and Missouri just doesn't sound that appealing to me. In any given year two of those four schools might not win the MAC. No ND == Big Ten Expansion Fail.
Teammates: How dare you call Charlie Weis an ignorant dick?!?!?
Me: He..uh..
Teammates:Who's got that phone team?!?!??!
Me: I'll get that phone teammates!
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