Rant: Bret Bielema

The following is a rant directed at Bret Bielema. I loathe him completely and totally for reasons even I don't understand. The below may contain swearing that might make a sailor blush. If you're sensitive to that sort of thing, do not read the below post.

Side note, I actually wrote this during Michigan week while I was killing time, so some of the things are future tense. What is not however is that Bielema is a choker.

Here's a BieLOLema while you think it over.



Thank you Black Heart Gold Pants love your blog, hate your coach.

You're still here? Good. Let's begin.

After Ty's remarkable missive on Juggalos and Walverines last week, it seems only fitting that we play Wisconsin this week. At Wisconsin, even the marching band are a bunch of meatheads. Who has a marching band get suspended for a game? Wisconsin, that's who. Who has a fan base that harasses Tom Osborne and his merry band of nonagenarians? Wisconsin, that's who. Who has a tradition of taking some of America's Whitest Kids and having them dance to one of the top hip-hop songs of the 90s?



Wisconsin, That's Who.

So it should come as no surprise to you that in 2005 when it came time to look for his replacement, Barry Alvarez was no fool. He wanted a known quantity, a populist hero, a meathead he could rely on and Bret Bielema was the perfect man for the job.



First off, look at the guy. He looks like a fat gym teacher who hangs out at an old folks home looking for a date. He looks stupid. He's also a reggae guy, I remember an interview with a recruit that talked about him groovin' on Marley to impress a recruit and thinking "What a doosh.", but in fact:

MADISON, Wis. — Sitting in his cavernous office that overlooks Camp Randall Stadium, island reggae music growling on a stereo system, Wisconsin head football coach Bret Bielema laughs and recalls an assistant's first trip to a local supermarket.



The Truth Hurts Sometimes

Second, the windbreaker. He wears that stupid damned windbreaker around like it's going to get him enshrined at the College Football Hall of Fame. "Here is the bronzed windbreaker of Bret Cornelius Bielema, he wore this windbreaker whilst dispatching UNLV in 112 degree weather 73-20, flew home and won a Deep Fried Cheese Curd eating contest while doing a keg stand." I understand the need to brand yourself as a coach these days. Spurrier with his fabulous visor, Sweatervest, Pete Carroll with sunglasses and cheating. I guess in fairness Windbreaker might have been the only cold weather item left, but you could brand yourself by winning.

Oh wait, he has branded himself by winning. Like an asshole. Bret Bielema hung 70 on Austin Peay and 83 on Indiana in 2010. Wisconsin basketball only scored 83 three times last year. Sure you can say, it's not Bret Bielema's job to keep Wisconsin out of the opponent's endzone. You are entitled to that opinion, just like I am entitled to the opinion Bielema is a dickbag. I have to imagine last year when he lost to TCU in the Rose Bowl, people were like "Bret, you failed to run enough when you had success with Montee Ball early on? What happened?" He was like: "Hurr, I am a banana. Scoring 70 on Austin Peay helped us get here but NOT scoring 91 is probably what kept us from knowing how to finish. I need some beer."

Finally, if you're going to go to the Rose Bowl instead of us, despite us beating you head-to-head. Run the damned ball when you're having success on a defensive line 60 lbs smaller than yours. When your backs are averaging 5.8 per carry, run the damn ball. This is the most important piece of all as to why I hate Bret Bielema, he can't close. In 2008, the clock was winding down in East Lansing, we had to hurricane kick with :02 seconds left to go, and he called a timeout to "ice the kicker". Swenson made the field goal and Spartans win. The guy can't close, because he's slow. A point further proved in 2011 East Lansing.

So there you have it, meathead of the people, branding himself for what purpose no one is really sure, no cupcake left behind and not a good coach in crunch time. I loathe Bret Bielema for all of these reasons and probably some more, but most of all despite all of these things he has the most successful team in the Big Ten the past 5 years. The luckiest doosh in the big ten. See you in Indy for the Big Ten Title Game.