It's time for us to know our enemy in a more serious sense. It's no secret I think Bret Bielema is the biggest chunderdick in Big Ten football, which puts him high in the running worldwide. My assessment of why I don't like him can be sumarized quickly and fairly in his habit of crushing cupcakes with his meaty, hairy fists and the fact he's a pretty average road coach. 12-12 in the Big Ten which is exactly average to be precise. "If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril." says Sun Tzu, so let us sit down and learn the history of Bret Cornelius Bielema.
Bret Bielema was born in Prophetsville, Illinois(this is not made up) with the name Michael "Meathead" Stivic(this is made up). Forgoing the local life of drinking and panhandling for corn at the local grist mill, he was recruited to play football at the University of Iowa. As a defensive lineman he was able to educate his fellow lineman about drinking and cornholing. I trust the reader can discern which kind of cornholing I'm referring to. At the University of Iowa he received the lifelong emblem of his time there. His Tiger Hawk Tattoo.
Armed with knowledge imparted on him by Hayden Fry and a hatred of all things weaker than he is, he set out into the world to play Arena League Football. He was signed to the Milwaukee Mustangs for a meager salary of as much PBR as he could drink. He was cut before he was able to bankrupt the team through his PBR consumption but the debt he left behind could never be fully repaid and eventually forced the Milwaukee Mustangs to fold in 2001.
One night after Bielema killed a 30 pack of PBR while watching reruns of All in the Family and passing in and out all night long, he called up Hayden Fry at Iowa and asked him how things were going and did he like you know want to go get coffee or something sometime? Fry asked him to call back during daytime, but Bielema started sobbing softly into the phone. Bielema hung up while yelling "I GOT TRAMPSTAMPED FOR YOU". Fry woke up the next morning wondering if he had dreamed the whole thing, but *69ed the call and sure enough Bret answered by vomiting into the phone. Fry offered him an assistant coaching position immediately.
Bielema coached at Iowa from 1993-2001. When Hayden Fry retired in 1998, Bielema interviewed for the job as the Head Cheese at Iowa. He lost out to Kirk Ferentz in the "Grand Contest of All Things Dooshy" for the job. He and Ferentz were put to a septathlon of events including Dodgeball at an Elementary School, Cheating at the Bingo Hall, Cow Tipping, Rhabdomyolysis-Inducing HGH Injections, Lighting Bags of Dog Crap On Fire and leaving it on Mary Sue Coleman's doorstep, How Many Times Could You Do the Century Club in a Week? and The Championship of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Bielema beat Ferentz at the Century Club thing while driving around smashing mailboxes and doing donuts on Mary Sue Coleman's lawn while rolling garbage bags full of flaming dogshit on her front porch. Eventually he crashed into the Bingo Hall and stole all of the bingo cards and writing "O-Doyle Rules!" on each of them. Normally this would have given him a Bielema-like smashing victory over his opponents, but he was disqualified on the grounds that he left the cow-tipping undone.
So the job went to Ferentz and after a couple years Bielema left for the bright lights of Manhattan.... Kansas to serve as the Co-Defensive Coordinator for Kansas State. Upon arrival in Manhattan....Kansas, he realized something was off, about three weeks later after spending six hours looking for the Empire State building he realized he was not in Manhattan New York. He immediately requested to leave because who the shit WANTS to coach for KSU? However, once handed his contract with the Bielema mark on it, he was sure he had seen this document before even if he could not read it.
In late 2003, he was contacted by Papa Barry Alvarez to interview for the Defensive Coordinator position at Wisconsin. The only requirements laid out by Alvarez were the ability to recognize a running vs. passing play and a working knowledge of the letters X and O. Bielema asked "You mean like hugs and kisses?" To which Alvarez replied, "No dude. That's wrong.". Bielema was hired and took the total Wisconsin Scoring defense from 43rd in 2003 to 9th in 2004.
Upon the close of the season, Bielema marched directly into Alvarez's office to apologize for making the ranking of the defense smaller. Alvarez told Bielema to sit down and that he had something to talk to him about. Alvarez said, "Bret, there comes a time in a man's life where he needs to start thinking about something other than football." Bret said, "You mean, drinkin'?" Alvarez said, "How would you like to be the next football coach at Wisconsin?" Bielema said, "Yessir, I surely would." Alvarez says, "Great, you start next year." Bret got up and started to walk out of the room, Alvarez said "Oh, and Bret, sometimes, smaller is better." Bret looked down at the floor, maaaaaaaybe at his pants, but definitely at the floor and smiled. A smile that was in danger of splitting his cheeks, but the brightest smile in Madison in 2004.
Bret Bielema had just become a man.
Bret Bielema was born in Prophetsville, Illinois(this is not made up) with the name Michael "Meathead" Stivic(this is made up). Forgoing the local life of drinking and panhandling for corn at the local grist mill, he was recruited to play football at the University of Iowa. As a defensive lineman he was able to educate his fellow lineman about drinking and cornholing. I trust the reader can discern which kind of cornholing I'm referring to. At the University of Iowa he received the lifelong emblem of his time there. His Tiger Hawk Tattoo.
Armed with knowledge imparted on him by Hayden Fry and a hatred of all things weaker than he is, he set out into the world to play Arena League Football. He was signed to the Milwaukee Mustangs for a meager salary of as much PBR as he could drink. He was cut before he was able to bankrupt the team through his PBR consumption but the debt he left behind could never be fully repaid and eventually forced the Milwaukee Mustangs to fold in 2001.
One night after Bielema killed a 30 pack of PBR while watching reruns of All in the Family and passing in and out all night long, he called up Hayden Fry at Iowa and asked him how things were going and did he like you know want to go get coffee or something sometime? Fry asked him to call back during daytime, but Bielema started sobbing softly into the phone. Bielema hung up while yelling "I GOT TRAMPSTAMPED FOR YOU". Fry woke up the next morning wondering if he had dreamed the whole thing, but *69ed the call and sure enough Bret answered by vomiting into the phone. Fry offered him an assistant coaching position immediately.
Bielema coached at Iowa from 1993-2001. When Hayden Fry retired in 1998, Bielema interviewed for the job as the Head Cheese at Iowa. He lost out to Kirk Ferentz in the "Grand Contest of All Things Dooshy" for the job. He and Ferentz were put to a septathlon of events including Dodgeball at an Elementary School, Cheating at the Bingo Hall, Cow Tipping, Rhabdomyolysis-Inducing HGH Injections, Lighting Bags of Dog Crap On Fire and leaving it on Mary Sue Coleman's doorstep, How Many Times Could You Do the Century Club in a Week? and The Championship of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Bielema beat Ferentz at the Century Club thing while driving around smashing mailboxes and doing donuts on Mary Sue Coleman's lawn while rolling garbage bags full of flaming dogshit on her front porch. Eventually he crashed into the Bingo Hall and stole all of the bingo cards and writing "O-Doyle Rules!" on each of them. Normally this would have given him a Bielema-like smashing victory over his opponents, but he was disqualified on the grounds that he left the cow-tipping undone.
So the job went to Ferentz and after a couple years Bielema left for the bright lights of Manhattan.... Kansas to serve as the Co-Defensive Coordinator for Kansas State. Upon arrival in Manhattan....Kansas, he realized something was off, about three weeks later after spending six hours looking for the Empire State building he realized he was not in Manhattan New York. He immediately requested to leave because who the shit WANTS to coach for KSU? However, once handed his contract with the Bielema mark on it, he was sure he had seen this document before even if he could not read it.
In late 2003, he was contacted by Papa Barry Alvarez to interview for the Defensive Coordinator position at Wisconsin. The only requirements laid out by Alvarez were the ability to recognize a running vs. passing play and a working knowledge of the letters X and O. Bielema asked "You mean like hugs and kisses?" To which Alvarez replied, "No dude. That's wrong.". Bielema was hired and took the total Wisconsin Scoring defense from 43rd in 2003 to 9th in 2004.
Upon the close of the season, Bielema marched directly into Alvarez's office to apologize for making the ranking of the defense smaller. Alvarez told Bielema to sit down and that he had something to talk to him about. Alvarez said, "Bret, there comes a time in a man's life where he needs to start thinking about something other than football." Bret said, "You mean, drinkin'?" Alvarez said, "How would you like to be the next football coach at Wisconsin?" Bielema said, "Yessir, I surely would." Alvarez says, "Great, you start next year." Bret got up and started to walk out of the room, Alvarez said "Oh, and Bret, sometimes, smaller is better." Bret looked down at the floor, maaaaaaaybe at his pants, but definitely at the floor and smiled. A smile that was in danger of splitting his cheeks, but the brightest smile in Madison in 2004.
Bret Bielema had just become a man.
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